It’s been a while since I have got time to talk to you. I still remember the day my parents got me religious books to read. I went to Sunday school where I learnt how to pray. I read that you were bigger than any problems in our lives, that you would take all my woes and give me comfort.
You became my best friend from an early age. I shared everything with you, and at times I did feel comfort when I prayed to you. I sure have experienced spiritual connection at times and even have felt your presence in my heart, or so I think. But lately things are not going well, and I have a couple of questions for you.
Why is it that when something goes right it is because of you, and when something goes wrong it is because of me? For example, when I got good grades, it was because I had your mercy and blessing, but when I did not do well in the viva, it was because of my carelessness.
Oh God, please tell me how does it work? When something good happens, I am supposed to give thanks to you, and when something bad happens, I still am supposed to thank you. In the former case, I am supposed to give thanks to you because you had mercy on me to give me some happiness, and in the latter case, I am supposed to thank you for giving me an opportunity to learn.
You know very well as well as I do that I have been an honest devotee of you. I am not pure, but I have tried to follow all that the Scriptures say. Therefore, I want to know, what makes me different from others? No matter how hard I prayed and how long I fasted, my dreams never came true. What is it that you need? And how long do you expect me to pray to you? If I have followed to the letter what is written in the Scripture, why is it that you don’t even follow my simple requests? Therefore, God, I am not going to be strict on my religion, and I am not going to criticise others for believing in a different god, because I know that more or less those people too share my story. Nobody knows what spirituality really is or what you really want. We have battles of our own, and at the end, we have to fight them on our own.
However, I also know that the next time I have any troubles, I will come crying back to you like a lost puppy. Though I might be skating on thin ice financially, I will make sure to give the best of my offerings to you. Without knowing if you would really help me, I would still trust in you and pray to you.
I am amazed by your power of mercy and your power of ignorance.
I am awed by your glory and your wrath. So God, please tell me today, who are you really – my savior or my destiny?
A version of this article appears in print on December 02, 2020 of The Himalayan Times.